More after the jump...
Firstly, a confession that i've not seen the 1987 original so can't comment on whether this is a relevant remake or if that version is a lost classic. But then this is the only version i know so i'm free to judge it by its own merits, of which there are few, delivering a pretty formulaic thriller. It hits all the beats and has all the shocks as and when you'd expect them. The killers motives are never fully addressed, and he comes across as the most lax serial killer ever. His murders tend to be to cover up his own ineptitude, showing great stupidity for such a stone faced killer. If you're trying to fake a victims whereabouts by using his mobile phone, remember to put it on silent. If you're going to check out your status on America's 10 most wanted list online, delete your internet history. The filmmakers can't even by bothered to decide what to do with the two younger kids or write an easy kill for them, instead deciding to ship them off to camp just in time for the big finale. No shocks, no surprises, hopefully no sequel.
Verdict
There's always been something inherently funny about Zombies. Some movies choose to exploit that, others don't. This cheap, cheerful independent zombie film definitely takes the comedic route, landing somewhere between Carrie and George A. Romero's Dead anthology. In fact, one wonders what aspects would have appeared in Romero's touted Zombie rock star movie, Diamond Dead. Here the teens in peril discover that their garage band rock music acts as a sort of Zombie repellent. In fact once the carnage at the prom starts, it's only the Zombies who are left dancing. This cute if slight Zombie romp moves past it's low budget to offer a pretty enjoyable 90 minutes.
Verdict
Just like how Kill Bill had an effect on a lot of movies around 2005, the Tarantino/Rodriguez Grindhouse films were bound to have some imitations and knock-offs eventually. So here we arrive at Bitch Slap, a guns and girls shocker that aims to recreate a lot of the iconic Grindhouse elements. It does succeed in having cool fonts and graphics, and they manage to cram so many double entendres into its exploitation theme it's impressive, but this lacks when it comes to story. Bitch Slap exists in a world where all women are sapphic supermodels, finding new and frankly ingenious ways to increase each others nakedness, be it tearing off each others clothes or just setting fire to them. It never really tries too hard to have any sort of the crossover appeal it clearly craves, and this might sound odd, but the plot has so many twists and turns that it actually becomes hard to follow at times. All your going to be left with is the memory of Boobs, bullets and bad dialogue.
Verdict
Any film that stars a wrestler whose name isn't either Dwayne Johnson or Roddy Piper (purely for They Live) is going to be aiming pretty low. Have you ever wondered what it'd be like if Die Hard took place on the same island as Couples Retreat? Firstly, shame on you, secondly, here's your answer. Ted DeBiase's girlfriend is organising a party on a tropical island, and all is going well until someone decides to fire a rocket launcher. Ted's girlfriend gets swiftly kidnapped and it's up to him to start a one man army and save her. Although the latest film from WWE studios is never going to win any Oscars, it does carry a certain charm. There is some competent action set pieces, along with some interesting fight sequences, for example the scene where DiBiase kicks a henchman's head through the side of a wardrobe. That was new.
Verdict
Oh this was bad. From the off this movie tries to be the most offensive movie possible and pretty much succeeds. Ladies and Gentlemen please meet Tucker Max. He says repulsive, horrible things about other people, but hey! that's okay because he's actually quite savvy, knowing about government bodies and factions so that he can embarrass his teachers when they try to reprimand him. Wow, he's so cool.
This is all supposedly based on fact, but if these events did occur they took place in the mind of Tucker Max. Not even the most masochistic lunatics in the world would want to actually be friends with him. He's the kind of guy who'd rape a blind lady, safe in the knowledge he could talk his way out of it. There's no huge life lessons to be learnt here, and the characters experience no discernible growth as people. Tucker's only real comeuppance comes from when one of his victims laces his drink with laxatives, leading to a particularly horrible sequence, and his only realisation is that he needs to keep his friends on his side or he'll have no-one to show off to or have listen to his boorish, prattish, dickhead routine.
Verdict
DVD of the Week? Take home Dance of the Dead.
The Marine 2 looks like the Citizen Kane of Straight-to-DVD. And Bitch Slap the Casablanca.
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